Don’t you love quilting, quilters and quilts? They are great! They go nicely over the backs of sofas, making them look attractive. They hang on the walls brightening them up. Above all, they are made with love and can be passed down through the generations as family heirlooms. A little bit of Gran can be in the quilt that is lovingly wrapped around your latest offspring – well she always did dribble a bit.
In fact, the world would be a much better place if there were more quilts, quilting and quilters. Madame Hopcott has just taken up quilting, which might be the reason I can’t get in the front room without falling over increasingly large piles of rags and skeins of Alpaca and the TV remote seems to have gone on a holiday.
I’m not completely sure I’m in favour of this new hobby, perhaps something else would be better for Madame Hopcott – what about rock climbing or sky diving. I suppose it would be more dangerous. Well never mind eh!
At least, then, I might be able to find the TV remote.
No seriously, perhaps the world would be a better place if the passion for quilts and quilting was more widespread. The downside might be that there would be more sheep and other woolly animals making woolly animal noises.
Do you like the sound of sheep baaaing? It really infuriates me. They sound so stupid and they never stop – a bit like Madame Hopcott. And, being a country lad, they are baaing just outside my window. Baaa! AARGH!
Take DAVOS, (please). When the world economic leaders turn up at DAVOS to discuss important things, they always seem to disagree.
Perhaps they would do much better if they sat down and made a quilt together.
The demonstrators outside could also make quilts. What fun this would be because they and the world leaders would then all have so much in common and do fun things like swap quilt ideas.
And when the quilts were finished they could all be sent to Africa where they would keep deprived people all nice and warm and snugly.
I’m sure DAVOS could get quilting lots more coverage in the news than it currently gets. Probably even the worldwide news.
Of course each nationality would give quilting a different twist.
The Italians would probably want to make it out of their favorite material – spaghetti, yummy. Afterwards, they could all sit around and have a family meal.
Quilting with spaghetti would have other benefits. There would always be a need for new quilts which would keep all the quilt making Signora Hopcottas happy and unclutter their front rooms so Signor Hopcottos would at long last be able to find the remote.
The French of course would make designer quilts. Tiny little quilts to cover glamorous models and actresses little bits discreetly on the beach or the catwalk. Mmmm! Happy Hopcott!
The Germans would probably produce their quilts with great precision and have the mandatory message carefully sewn into the fabric – “Please do not remove, lounger taken”.
Silicon Valley in America would probably design robots that would knit the quilts automatically. In my experience, computers always go wrong sooner or later. I can just see the robots sitting around in a circle. I wonder what they would talk about? Could their brains cope?
When the robots eventually ran amok and produced a quilt the size of California, the National Guard would get called out but they’d probably all get tied up and lose the thread.
And what about the terrorists? Perhaps they could be threatened with a stiff prison sentence and a compulsory course in quilting. See how quickly they’d stop blowing up the world with that hanging over them!
And more quilting could mean more humour. What about if the quilts were made out of really tickly material? What a laugh!
More quilts could help the homeless. They would brighten any cardboard box and keep its occupant warm.
Feeling afraid? Cuddle up to your quilt!
Feeling tired? Wrap a quilt around you and fall asleep.
Jobless? Make quilts, you’ll be so knackered afterwards you won’t care and the quilt will keep you warm when you can’t pay for the electricity.
Need transport? Get an Alpaca to ride and learn how to spin the fleece into yarn and sell it.
What about high-tech quilts, with embedded silicon chips and flashing lights. Sounds great! Remember you first heard it here.
Whoops! As I write this, a large lorry has arrived outside Hopcott Mansions.
Fear clutches at my heart. Perhaps Madam Hopcott has gone into a volume quilt making production.
The end is nigh!
Help! I’m going to be pushed out by tons of wool. I’m going to be homeless!
Anybody got a home for a fairly house trained Hopcott?
If it’s nice and easy to find the remote at yours, I’m coming around – now!
The End
Bye for now
Rob Hopcott, Online Humor Author
This quilt, quilting and quilters joke and humorous stand up comedy short story is copyright Rob Hopcott all rights reserved. All characters and places in this humor short story are fictitious and no reference is intended to any person or organization, living or otherwise.